Reflection

I've been back to WA for roughly a year & a half now.  I look back at photos from my time in AZ, to my first month or two back here, to now, and I'm amazed at the difference.  I was talking to my brother today, about how I feel Arizona was really not good for me.  And yet, I had convinced myself that I loved life there.  I convinced myself that it was a really good change.  Funny how you can do that. 

Looking back, it wasn't good for me.  At all.  I didn't realize how much I had lost myself until I got out of there.  I'm not saying it was all bad.  I met some amazing people.  Truly, life changing friendships.  People that even in my darkest time were there and taught me about myself and shared so much of themselves with me.  To say I'm thankful for them, is a vast understatement.  I did really enjoy my job.  It was frustrating, and challenging, but I loved it.  I welcomed the challenge.  But me?  Shawna?  I was lost.  I gave up so much of what made me ME.  I lost the desire to live life.  Not the desire to live - I wasn't that bad, but to get out and live life.  I kept myself somewhat busy, but overall, you know what I remember from my time there?  Watching a lot of tv.  Weekends spent at home, in pajamas.  That?  That's not me at all.  I know, it may seem insignificant, but it's not.  I think it was a symptom in a much bigger picture.  Now?  A typical week for me often involves happy hour with friends, spending the evening with the bestie, walks around Green Lake, going to a museum, catching a show at a hole-in-the wall venue.  DOING things.  Not just watching them on television.  I'm not suggesting that if you prefer to stay at home, that's a bad thing.  I just know that for ME, personally... it's a symptom of a much bigger issue.  I've never been a homebody.  I thrive on being busy, seeing friends and making memories.  My time in Arizona was far from that. 

Why is it that we can convince ourselves that things are great, while you're slowly dying inside.  I struggled a lot when I first moved there.  It was a big change for me.  But I got over it... or so I thought.

There really isn't a point to this, other than taking a moment to be so grateful for where I am today.  Emotionally, as well as physically.  I love being close to my family and my long time friends.  I love being active, and staying busy.  And I'm looking forward to what life brings my way!